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मंडली

मैं सेफोलॉजिस्ट बनूँगा

शेयर करें

कई लोग तो ज्योतिष को भी विद्या मानने को तैयार नहीं, कुछ तो विज्ञान की वैज्ञानिकता पर ही सवाल उठा देते हैं। मैं उदार हूँ। मैं सेफोलॉजी को भी एक विशुद्ध विद्या मानता हूँ, शोध की एक विधा समझता हूँ। मेरा मानना है कि इससे स्वयं के लिए सेलेब स्टेटस सुनिश्चित करते हुए जबर जीविका कमाया जा सकता है। इससे लोगों का मनोरंजन करते हुए लोकतंत्र की अद्वितीय सेवा भी की जा सकती है। आपको पूरा अधिकार है कि आप सेफोलॉजिटी के इंग्रेडिएंट में वैज्ञानिकता, व्यवसायिकता और कलात्मकता के तत्व का प्रतिशत चाहे जितना मानें।

हम बनना कुछ और चाहते हैं, बन कुछ और जाते हैं। हम ड्रीम पालते हैं, पैशन को सेलिब्रेट करते हैं पर दाल रोटी के लिए कहीं और टँग जाते हैं। मुझे मेरा ड्रीम ही पता नहीं था, पैशन भी नहीं। अलबत्ता पैशनेट मैं खूब हुआ करता था। परिणाम सामने है। मेरे बैंक बैलेंस से बड़ा तो लोगों का पेटीएम वॉलेट बैलेंस हुआ करता है।

मशहूर होने की मेरी इच्छा बचपन से रही है पर मशहूर होने लायक मैं कुछ कर नहीं पाया। अरमान अब भी हैं पर लोग कद्र नहीं करते भावानाओं की। एक डंबू ने खिल्ली उडाते हुए टेक्स्ट किया “अच्छा, मशहूर (गुलाटी) बनोगे।” किन्तु मैंने उम्मीद नहीं छोड़ी। जब जब चुनाव होते हैं, तब आस जगती है। सोचता हूँ कि इस बार मैं सेफोलॉजिस्ट बनकर प्रसिद्धि का शिखर छू ही लूँ। दिल्ली चुनाव मिस कर गया पर आगामी बिहार चुनाव में अपने उपर एक जबर सेफोलॉजिस्ट थोपे जाने के लिए तैयार रहिए।

मैं जानता हूँ कि सेफोलॉजिस्ट बनने में कुछ खतरे भी हैं। एक जने सेफोलॉजिस्ट से एक्टिविस्ट बने और एक्टिविस्ट से नेता पर अभी हालत यह है कि लोग उन्हे तीनों में से कुछ भी मानने को तैयार नहीं। सुना है कि एक लैमार टैप चैनल ने तो कुछ सफॉलोजिस्ट्स का ही स्टिंग ऑपरेशन कर दिया था। इन खतरों के वावजूद यदि दूकान चल निकली तो मेरे पास एक हँसता खेलता लिबरल सेकुलर चैनल भी हो सकता है।

सैफॉलोजिस्ट को चाहिए एक अदद न्यूज़ चैनल। कुछ पार्टियों के चैनल फिक्स है, कछ चैनल्स के सेफोलॉजिस्ट। चैनल और पार्टी मेरे भी फिक्स होंगे। मेरा तो सर्वेक्षण परिणाम भी लगभग फिक्स ही होगा पर मैं उसे ऐसे आत्मविश्वास से मिक्स करुँगा कि मेरा ओपिनियन पोल/ एग्जिट पोल देखकर चुनाव आयोग भी सोच में पड़ जाएगा – मतदान/ मतगणना कराएं या इसे ही मान लें।

सेफोलॉजिस्ट के रुप में भविष्यवाणी करते हुए मैं आँकड़ों और अंदाजिफिकेशन का बेजोड़ संगम सुनिश्चित करुँगा। मेरी पहली अकाट्य भविष्यवाणी होगी, “इस बार हर सीट पर एक विजयी होगा और शेष सभी पराजित, कुछ की जमानत भी जब्त होगी।” वोटों के स्विंग के अतिरिक्त लोकतंत्र की पिच का टर्न और बाउंस भी ऐसे जेनेरिक टर्म्स में बताउँगा कि गलत होने की गुंजाइश ही न बचे। वोटों के खिसकने और दरकने की बात पूरे आत्मविश्वास से वैसे करूँगा जैसे कोई भूकंपवेत्ता हिमालयन प्लेट खिसकने की बात करता है, गोया स्वयं देखकर आया ह़ो। ‘वोटर प्रबुद्ध है’ और ‘वोटर मौन है’ जैसे जुमले छोड़कर जुमलेबाजों को शर्मसार करुँगा।

पत्रकारों का सेफोलॉजिस्ट के रुप में भविष्य सास बहू सीरियल्स की टीआरपी की तरह उज्ज्वल माना जाता है। मैं पत्रकारिता के दुर्भाग्य और अपने सौभाग्य से पत्रकार नहीं रहा। पत्रकार न होने की वजह से पात्रता में होने वाली कमी को पूरा करने के लिए मैं स्वयं को लोकतंत्र का वरिष्ठ टीकाकार बताउँगा। मुझे चाय की दूकान से चौपाल तक होने वाली राजनीतिक चर्चाओं तक का अनुभव है। ये चर्चाएं प्राइम टाइम टीवी डिबेट से स्तर में थोड़ी उँची ही होती हैं। मुझे पूरा विश्वास है कि पत्रकारों के ही सेफोलॉजिस्ट होने का मिथक मैं ही ध्वस्त करुँगा।

अपने सपोर्ट स्टाफ के नाम पर ट्विटर ट्रॉल की मिनी फौज खड़ा करुँगा। ये मतदाताओं का रुझान ट्विटर से ठोक पीटके पता करेंगे। मेरे जैसे हवाबाज सेफोलॉजिस्ट का हवा-पानी भी ये लोग टाइट करेंगे। ये ट्रॉल मेरे चुनावी सर्वेक्षणों का सउदी अरब और चीन जैसे घनघोर लोकतंत्र में सही होने का डपोरशंखी दावा भी करेंगे।

टीवी पर अपना सर्वेक्षण पेश करते हुए मैं गंभीरता की भाव भंगिमा का लबादा ओढ़कर आउँगा। साथ में सर्वेक्षण परिणामों की सामाजिक व्याख्या के लिए एक उम्दा समाज शास्त्री भी साथ लेकर आउँगा जो हवा हवाई सर्वेक्षण परिणामों की समरुपी व्याख्या करने में सक्षम हो। परिणाम बताने से पहले अटर पटर और बेमतलब बातें खूब करुँगा, मतलब की बात एकदम बाद में क्योंकि सेफोलॉजिस्ट्स सारा गिटिर पिटिर करते हैं पर आर या पार का आँकड़ा देने में बगले झाँकने लगते हैं।

सेफोलॉजी की बकैती में मेरा भी जबाब नहीं होगा पर आँकड़ा देना ही मेरी भी कमजोर कड़ी होगी। फिर भी मैं आँकड़ों के ऑब्शेशन को कंडीशन्स की केमिस्ट्री के तड़के के साथ पेश करने का स्वांग करुँगा। रैंडम सैम्पलिंग व डाटा कलेक्शन के फालतू चक्करों में मैं नहीं पड़ने वाला। उपलब्ध सारे सर्वेक्षणों का औसत निकालूँगा और अगर यह मेरे चैनल और पार्टी को सूट करेगा तो यही परिणाम बता दूँगा। मनचाहा औसत न होने पर औसत के साथ भी टेम्परिंग होगी। सही तो असली वाले होने से रहे, औसत वाला क्या खाक सही होगा।

एक आधा भविष्यवाणी तो बेजान दारुवाला की भी सही हो जाती हैं। उसी तरह चुनाव परिणाम आने के दिन अगर मेरा भी तुक्का लग गया तो टीवी स्क्रीन पर ही पालथी मारकर बैठ जाउंगा और खूब फउँकूँगा। यदि नहीं तो पब्लिक डोमेन से वैसे ही गायब हो जाउँगा, जैसे आए दिन कांग्रेस के युवराज होते हैं। हमारी जनता तो इतनी क्षमाशील है कि इमरजेन्सी तक को माफ कर गयी। लगभग हर सरकार के जुल्म-ओ-सितम सह जाती है। मेरे ओपिनियन/ एग्जिट पोल को भी क्षमा कर दिया जाएगा। वैसे भी जनता के पास क्षमा दान के अलावा कोई विकल्प नहीं होता।

यदि मैं सेफोलॉजिस्ट के रुप में चल निकला तो शेष जीवन बल्ले बल्ले है और यदि फेल हो गया तो मशहूर होने का मेरा सपना मेरे पिछले उपक्रमों की भाँति अधूरा रह जाएगा। पर मैं हार नहीं मानूँगा। फकीर टैप आदमी हूँ, झोला उठाकर कहीं और चल दूँगा। सेफोलॉजिस्ट न बन सका तो क्या हुआ, क्या पता कभी शेफ बनकर मशहूर हो जाऊँ।

दावात्याग: यह लेखक मूलत: lopak.in के लिए लिखा गया था। लोपक को धन्यवाद सहित संबंधित लेख का लिंक नीचे दिया जा रहा है।

मैं सेफोलॉजिस्ट बनूँगा

लेखक गद्य विधा में हास्य-व्यंग्य, कथा साहित्य, संस्मरण और समीक्षा आदि लिखते हैं। वह यदा कदा राजनीतिक लेख भी लिखते हैं। अपनी कविताओं को वह स्वयं कविता बताने से परहेज करते हैं और उन्हे तुकबंदी कहते हैं। उनकी रचनाएं उनके अवलोकन और अनुभव पर आधारित होते हैं। उनकी रचनाओं में तत्सम शब्दों के साथ आंचलिक शब्दावली का भी पुट होता है। लेखक ‘लोपक.इन’ के लिए नियमित रुप से लिखते रहे हैं। उनकी एक समीक्षा ‘स्वराज’ में प्रकाशित हुई थी। साथ ही वह दैनिक जागरण inext के स्तंभकार भी हैं। वह मंडली.इन के संपादक है। वह एक आइटी कंपनी में कार्यरत हैं।

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