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Malaysia twitter crypto trading advice Malaysia खुशामद की आमद – मंडली
मंडली

खुशामद की आमद

शेयर करें

आम से लेकर खास तक यह आम है कि प्रशंसा कानों में मिसरी सी प्रतीत होती है। उसकी मिठास घुलकर सीधा दिल तक पहुँचती है और प्रशंसक के लिए पुरस्कार स्वरुप मन से आवाज आती है; “जीत ही लोगे क्या?” प्रशंसा का ही एक गाढ़ा शेड है – खुशामद। इसमे मिठास अधिक होती है, कृत्रिम ही सही। कृत्रिमता से परे खुशामदी का पारितोषिक भी बड़ा होता है जिससे खुशामद करने वाला फर्श से अर्श तक पहुँच सकता है। यह अलग बात है कि खुशामद पा रहे व्यक्ति के लिए यह कृत्रिम ‘टू मच’ मिठास मधुमेह से भी अधिक मारक होती है। लेकिन यह भी सत्य है कि ऐसे विरले ही होते हैं जिन्हे इसकी मारकता का भान हो पाता है। तभी तो आपातकाल के अंतिम दिनों में तत्कालीन सत्ताधीश के सलाहकारों ने फीडबैक दिया कि जनता ‘अनुशासन पर्व’ पर वाह वाह कर रही है और सत्ताधीशों ने आपातकाल हटाकर चुनावों की घोषणा कर दी। शेष इतिहास है। इस घटना से पहले भी ऐसा इतिहास घटित हुआ है, बाद में भी इसे दोहराया जाता रहा और आगे भी यह क्रम रूकने वाला नहीं है। घटना का रूप और पात्र हर काल में अलग होते हैं।

खुशामद जीवन के हर क्षेत्र में उपयोगी है। प्रेम में पड़े छावरिकों के कान महबूबा के मन में लगे होने चाहिए। नयी ड्रेस पहनने पर भावों में प्रतिक्रिया माँगे जाने से पहले ही Wow और Awesome जैसे दिलजीत गोले दाग दें। सौन्दर्य की प्रशंसा में श्रृंगार कवियों को धोबी पछाड़ देते रहना आपका वारा-न्यारा कर सकता है। प्रेमिका की आवाज पथरीली हो तो सुरीली बताएँ और यदि गलती से सुरीली हो तो उसे नशीली कहकर उसकी तीव्रता बढ़ाएँ। बात बेबात उन्हें ‘ब्यूटी विद ब्रेन’ कहने से आपका हरिश्चन्द्र का तमगा छिन नहीं जाएगा। प्रशंसा टाइप्ड भी हो सकती है पर खुशामद में वेरायटी होनी चाहिए। मौका देखकर कभी अपनी एक्स को ‘ओल्ड फैशन्ड पोजेसिव’ कह सकें तो सोने पर सुहागा। डेटिंग में जुतने का अनुभव चाहे जो भी हो पर शब्द इस भाव के ही निकलने चाहिए कि तुम्हारे साथ तो जैसे समय को पंख ही लग जाते हैं, वो एक्स तो समय पर कुंडली मारकर ही बैठ जाया करती थी।

पूर्व छावरिक अपनी श्रीमति जी को आदमकद आइने में समाने में अक्षम देखकर भी यह कहना न भूलें; “मिनिमम दो-ढ़ाई किलो तो लूज किया ही है।” प्रेम में झूठ बोलना भी पाप नहीं। ऐसी अतिशयोक्ति से भी परहेज न करें; “तुम पर साड़ी ‘फाइव यार्ड ग्रेस’ बन जाती है, सलवार-सूट तो संभवत: तुम्हारे लिए ही बना है और वेस्टर्न अटायर का तो पूछो मत”। खाना-खजाना पर प्रशंसा की अपनी कृत्रिम उदारता बनाए रखें, कृपा आएगी। प्रशंसा की मात्रा को व्यंजन के स्वाद के समानुपाती कतई न होने दें। चक्षुओं को चपल बनाएँ और कल्पनाशीलता को पंख लगाएँ, जैसे खाने में नमक की कमी को कार्डियो केयर कहकर सराहें। कभी कभी स्वयं भी कुछ पकाएँ और फीडबैक पर सिर्फ खि खि खि करें। इन सबके बावजूद यदि कभी श्रीमति जी कभी नाराज हो जाएं तो कमला को मोटी, विमला को खोटी और सरला को नाटी कह दीजिए। श्रीमति जी स्वयं को खांटी समझकर आपको पार्टी देंगी, बिल हमेशा की तरह आप भर फटेगा। मायके का महिमामंडन तो महारानी की मेहरबानी पाने का मूल मंत्र है ही।

पेशेवर दुनिया में खुशामद से आमद जबरदस्त होती है। सरकारी क्षेत्र में खुशामद का अकथित एमएलएम बना हुआ है। बाबू की खुशामद सरकारी दफ्तरों में चप्पल घिस रहे लोग करते हैं कि ‘उद्धार’ हो जाए। बाबू बड़े बाबू अर्थात नौकरशाह की हाँ में हाँ मिला रहे हैं कि ‘पुरस्कार’ मिल जाए। बड़े नौकरशाह ‘मालिक’ सरीखे माननीयों की इच्छा पर दिन को रात बता रहे हैं ताकि ‘नजर’ में बने रहें। माननीय अपने से श्रेष्ठ माननीय को विविध विषेषण देते रहते हैं ताकि ‘बेटिकट’ न हों। निजी क्षेत्र के कॉरपोरेट प्रतिष्ठानों में माहौल और भी मनोरम है।

व्हाट्स-एप पर घूम घूम कर सड़ चुके जोक को बॉस के मुखारविन्द से सुनकर यदि आप स्वयं को भूलोट ठहाके में झोंकने की जाँबाजी कर सकते हैं तो बॉस आपकी वर्क परफॉर्मेंस से प्रभावित हो जाएंगे। यदि आपने अपना कोई नया आइडिया कंपनी में बॉस का इनोवेशन बताकर पेश कर दिया तो एप्रेजल पर बिना कहे बॉस आपके मन की बात टाँक देंगे। बॉस के बालक-बालिकाओं का कविता पाठ सुनकर आपने उन्हें कुमार विश्वास जितना सुरीला बता दें तो बॉस छुट्टी पर होने वाली किचकिच से तौबा करके आपका लीव-एप्लिकेशन स्वयं लिखकर उस पर अपनी चिड़िया बिठा देंगे। यदि बॉस पत्नी प्रताड़ित हों तो उनके सामने आप स्वयं को उनसे बड़ा पीड़ित बनाकर पेश करते रहें। आवश्यकता पड़े तो बाँस के लिए जासूसी करें और जासूसी का कर्णप्रिय परिणाम उन्हें सुनाएँ। बॉस से उनके बाँस की चुगली भी करें, “लोग कैसे ऐसे पोजिशन पर पहुँच जाते हैं।“ लाला कंपनी के खटिकों को सलाह है कि तेल खाइए कम, लगाइए अधिक। कैलोरी ग्राफ नीचे गिरेगा, बेजान दरमाहा उछल पड़ेगा।

खुशामद का हब तो राजनीति ही हैं। या तो आजीवन दरी बिछाकर पार्टी या पंथ की सेवा में जीवन होम कर दें या शब्दों व आचरण से आलाकमान या उनके छोटे-बड़े किसी कमान को अपने प्रति मोम कर लें। खुशामद को लीडरी के लिए लैडर समझेंगे तो एक दिन दरी बिछा रहे कार्यकर्ताओं की टोपियाँ हेलीकॉप्टर से उड़ाते हुए आप सीधा मंच पर पहुँचेंगे और दल में काडर की महत्ता पर जोरदार भाषण झाड़ेंगे। माननीयों का पालक-बालक बनने के लिए शर्त एक ही है – जो साहब को हो पसन्द, वही बात कहेंगे। प्रेम और जंग में शायद कुछ नाजायज भी हो पर सियासत में सब जायज है। खुशामद कर्म में शुचिता और मर्यादा आदि को बाधा न बनने दें और थुथुन पर लाठी रोकते रहें। सोशल मीडिया पर कूदकर भी आप अपना कल्याण कर सकते हैं। फैशनेबल व अनुकूल नैरेटिव चुनकर हुआँ हुआँ करिए और तदनकूल सच के संस्करण सृजित करते रहिए, कभी फैक्ट का फलूदा करते हुए फैक्ट चेकिंग करके और कभी फैक न्यूज को फेक बताते हुए दूसरा फेक फेंककर। खुशामद के बेसिक्स पर स्टिक करते हुए यदि आप अपने इष्ट के अभीष्ट के लिए ट्विस्ट करते रहे तो आपकी राजनीतिक संभावनों की सीमा सिर्फ आकाश ही होगा।

छायाचित्र – grihshobha.in सौजन्य – google.com

 

 

लेखक गद्य विधा में हास्य-व्यंग्य, कथा साहित्य, संस्मरण और समीक्षा आदि लिखते हैं। वह यदा कदा राजनीतिक लेख भी लिखते हैं। अपनी कविताओं को वह स्वयं कविता बताने से परहेज करते हैं और उन्हे तुकबंदी कहते हैं। उनकी रचनाएं उनके अवलोकन और अनुभव पर आधारित होते हैं। उनकी रचनाओं में तत्सम शब्दों के साथ आंचलिक शब्दावली का भी पुट होता है। लेखक ‘लोपक.इन’ के लिए नियमित रुप से लिखते रहे हैं। उनकी एक समीक्षा ‘स्वराज’ में प्रकाशित हुई थी। साथ ही वह दैनिक जागरण inext के स्तंभकार भी हैं। वह मंडली.इन के संपादक है। वह एक आइटी कंपनी में कार्यरत हैं।

7 thoughts on “खुशामद की आमद

  1. बहुत ही सरस ढंग से खुशामद के लगभग हर स्वरूप को उधेड़ कर रख दिये आप… खूब आनंद आया… गुदगुदाने और अगर थोड़ा बुद्धि का प्रयोग करें तो सावधान हो जाने का मौका दिया दिये इस व्यंग्य के माध्यम से… 😂🙏

  2. आप तो कमाल हैं सर, क्या लिखा है सुबह सुबह चित्त भी प्रसन्न हो गया और आज के और आगे के दिन बेहतर बनाने के tips भी मिल गए। सच्ची Art of Living यही है। श्री श्री जी को अपने course में आपका session add करना चाहिए। देखिए मैंने अभ्यास भी शुरू कर दिया 😛🙏

    1. बेहतरीन प्रतिक्रिया के लिए धन्यवाद संकेत। मंडली पढ़ा करिए, ऐसी ढ़ेरों रचनाएँ मिलेंगी।

      1. कुछ समय से पढ़ना वापस शुरू किया है सर। lockdown का भी सदुपयोग करने की कोशिश है। सादर प्रणाम – साकेत

        1. धन्यवाद। अपनी प्रतिक्रियाओं से अवगत कराइएगा।

  3. खुशामद की हर खूबी को बेहतरीन तरीके से बताया है आपने….हसी और सीख साथ साथ 🙏🏻

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